W

Let me tell you about my day - maybe in a bit more detail than normal.

Bear with me.

First of all, yes Rietta did text me his number yesterday. And I fretted about it all night and all morning.

Once again I put off seeing Lacy about the whole Will thing. Honestly, I didn't want to think about Will.

I had the first organizing committee meeting today. Normally I wouldn't bother you with details of it - I’m glad to be involved but event logistics isn't riveting blog material, I realize.

I arrived early, like always, so I sat in a cafe in the building where the meeting would be and I stared at the number Rietta had sent. Do I text him or call him, I wondered. I felt like calling was the right thing to do but it required the power of speech which tended to fail me. With a text I would get my message out for sure, but it seemed too business-like, not personal enough.

I had ten minutes before my meeting. I tapped in the numbers, which I had already memorized, and put the phone to my ear, not breathing. It went to his voicemail so I hung up. I put the phone in my bag, hands shaking. What had I done? I didn't know. I just could not leave a message and sit in agony waiting for a return call. I put it out of my head, pulled myself together for the meeting. I would strategize my next move after the meeting.

I walked into the meeting room and found Wentworth sitting at the table with the six other organizers. By the look on his face, I could tell my appearance was also unexpected. (His surprised expression was adorable, actually.)

I sat down on the other side of the table, stunned. I had been thinking about my next phone call attempt, how I would talk him into a meeting and somehow get over this weirdness between us. I wanted it resolved - partly because I think we both wanted the same thing, but partly because every time I ran into him unexpectedly I handled it so poorly. I was tired of being embarrassed and tongue-tied. As an example of how useless I am when I run into him - note that I said I sat down on the other side of the table from him. Making it impossible to have a private conversation or even pass him a note saying “I still like you. Do you still like me? Check one:    Yes     No”.

After I sat down I saw Wentworth take out his phone and look at his notifications. Then he looked at me. I met his eyes for a moment but the chair of the meeting called everyone's attention and I looked away.

The meeting went well, nothing significant happened. Wentworth and I pretended to be normal people who weren't extremely frustrated at having these other people in the room, preventing important conversations. When the meeting ended, I positioned myself by the door and was chatting with another woman, waiting for everyone to leave so I could have Wentworth to myself (he was sitting at the table, typing on his phone). Then Harvey - Wentworth's friend from Lyme - came in.

He greeted me warmly, surprised to see me, I think. The woman I was chatting with left and Harvey and I got onto an interesting line of conversation. He said Ben had spoken of proposing to Louisa. I was shocked. Harvey corrected himself by saying that Ben didn't mean it literally exactly - rather that being with Louisa made him realize he could imagine going down that path with someone else. Harvey was getting his sister’s engagement ring from his family’s safe deposit box to return to Ben, as it had been Ben’s mother’s and Harvey had meant to return it ages ago. Harvey had no ill will towards Ben about all this except to be sad that Ben had gotten over Fran so quickly.

Harvey and I had a friendly debate over which gender holds onto love longest. I granted him that men are capable of constancy but I claimed for women the privilege of loving longest when all hope was gone. It was not the most upbeat debate.

Then Harvey said he had to grab Wentworth to make a meeting with an old friend who was in town. Wentworth got up suddenly, reminding Harvey of this, and in a second they had said their general goodbyes and exited. I was immediately drawn into a conversation with two new people. Externally professional; internally I was frustrated with myself for letting another opportunity slip away.

A minute later Wentworth entered again having forgotten his umbrella. As he passed me he caught my eye and gave me an intense look. He pulled out his phone, nodding at me. The whole thing took maybe ten seconds, and then he was gone again. That look! Not caring if I seemed rude, I dug my phone out of my bag, gestured at it and mumbled an apology to the others. I had a new email - from Wentworth! He had been sitting at the table composing an email to me.

I can sit in silence no more. I have to speak to you somehow, this will have to do.

You pierce my soul.

I am half agony, half hope. Tell me I'm not too late, that your precious feelings for me are not gone forever. My heart is yours now as much as it was eight and a half years ago when you nearly broke it. Don’t say that men forget love sooner than women. I haven't loved  anyone but you. I have been unjust, weak, resentful, but I have never forgotten.

I came to Bath for you.  Have you realized this? Can you fail to understand my desire? If I could read your feelings, I would not have hesitated.

I can hardly type, every moment I hear you say something that overpowers me. You speak softly but I can distinguish your voice from all others with no effort. You are perfect. I hear you telling Harvey you believe men capable of constancy in love - believe it to be most powerful in me.

I have to go before receiving any answer from you. Don’t reply to this. I'll find you after my appointment, as soon as possible. One word from you will tell me my fate.

You can imagine the effect that had. To have all the confusion cleared away so suddenly. There was nothing to be done but find him immediately. I took a few minutes to read the letter again and calm myself down enough to appear somewhat normal. I hastily said goodbye to the other committee members and went outside.

There was no sign of Wentworth and Harvey outside and I had no idea where they went. So I called Charles and asked for Harvey’s cell number. I texted Harvey right away, cursing auto-correct that slowed me down and caused me to lose precious seconds. I asked Harvey where he and W were and added that he please not tell W I had contacted him.

Thankfully, Harvey replied right away (though it felt like ages). They were in a pub nearby. I went out in the rain and jogged there. I stood inside the entrance to the dark pub while my eyes adjusted and I caught my breath. I used my shirt sleeve to dry the rain off my face and saw him. He had his back to me. His leg was bouncing up and down - a sign of extreme impatience I recognized. How he was able to make polite conversation after sending that passionate email, I don’t know. I suspect he was doing terribly.

Harvey spotted me, cocked his head slightly and then tapped his friend on the arm, pointing to me. W turned and froze when he saw me. Harvey practically pushed him out of his chair and he came over.

He knew from my expression that he had not missed his opportunity. I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but the look of happiness on his face at that moment - that’s possibly the best thing I've ever seen. To make someone that happy - what a feeling. I grinned like an idiot and as soon as he was close enough, I threw my arms around him in a desperate hug. All those years of wishing I could be in his arms were answered - he wrapped his arms around me, lifted me off the ground, buried his face in my neck, and whispered “Oh, Anne."

Every time I had fantasized our reunion, I had imagined kissing him right away, but in the moment I was too discombobulated for such a sophisticated, complicated action. We hugged for a long time and I started to cry. I was so happy, so relieved, so unable to believe that this happy ending had come about; it was too much.

After a few minutes, W, his arms still around me, waved Harvey over to ask him to make apologies to their friend. Harvey laughed and told us to go already. W grabbed his coat and umbrella and led me outside. I pulled myself together.

When we were finally alone, there were no words at first. We kissed right there on the sidewalk, under the pub awning. It was slow, and deliberate, and filled with the passion of eight years of missed kisses.

I couldn't believe that I woke up this morning, not knowing if I would even see W again, and there I was, touching him and having him look at me like I had just saved him somehow. He was looking at me the way he used to, the way that makes me feel like he really, truly sees me.  I feel like there is a lesson there about not giving up hope, about being open to the twists and turns in life… but I’m sure everything I write right now will sound like a cliché or a greeting card. I’m sorry.

Did I mention we kissed? And it was fantastic? Just thinking about it makes my knees weak - literally; I didn't know that was really a thing.

At that moment, what we needed most was to forget the world. To get away from everyone we strolled to the gravel walk in the nearby park and talked over everything. Here are the highlights, in bullet form because I’m in a bit of a hurry:

- I told him that of course I still loved him, that I had never stopped; never found anyone to be his equal. He quite ruined my love life, actually; dating was dismal in my 20s.

- he said he was unconsciously constant to me. He thought he was over me a long time ago, thought he had forgotten me even, but at the Lodge he realized that wasn't true. He fought against it; he was determined not to fall for me again.

- it was at Lyme that he admitted to himself what his feelings were. He also discovered at Lyme that everyone thought he and Louisa were a couple, despite him not really having any serious intentions. He tried to politely extract himself and was probably more overjoyed than any of us at the news of her and Ben hooking up.

- he was jealous of Will. He had come to Bath knowing I was here, came here to see me and see where it led. Seeing me at the concert with Will, seeing Will’s obvious interest in me, knowing my family would be excited and happy by that match; he admitted to being chased away.

I would write more, but, I really only came home to change before meeting W for dinner. Funny that this happened on Valentine's Day - a holiday I've always ignored. I have to run - W is waiting, but I had to share this news with you. You've all been so supportive and helpful, I don't know if this would have come about without you all encouraging me. So really, I think this year, I view everyone who has commented, tweeted, emailed, and tumblred as my valentine, is that okay with all of you?

W has somehow managed to get us a table at a small restaurant, a place I've been wanting to visit since I got here.

W and I have a lot of lost time to catch up on and I'm eager to start.

I wish you could feel what I’m feeling; it is amazing.